67 - The Truth
An Uncomfortable Book
This is a review for a powerful book The Truth by a fantastic author. Neil Strauss. It’s about relationships and is a must read. There’s a lot of wisdom to share in here and I share my highlights with you in a style that’s both entertaining and educational. Scroll down for all the details, resoures, transcripts, and more.
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0:00 - Prologue
2:50 - Support
7:15 - Introduction
9:25 - Sex and love addict
12:46 - If it’s hysterical, it’s historical
17:05 - Everything that’s wrong with your behavior & why
21:30 - Circumsision = abuse
28:22 - The art of detachment
34:34 - Child/Adolescent/Adult
40:43 - Believe Behave Become
52:55 - Impatience is the enemy of intimacy
58:48 - How have you been treating yourself?
1:03:33 - An incomplete guide to love
1:15:55 - Love is nature’s psychotherapy
1:20:15 - Epilogue
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If you’re interested in getting more out of this odyssey for yourself, notice the words and concepts that most excite or repel you. Each gut reaction tells a story. It is a story about who you are and what you believe. Because, all too often, the things that we’re the most resistant to are precisely what we need. And the things we’re most scared to let go of are exactly the ones we most need to relinquish.
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A relationship should be about what you both want, not about what you both don’t want each other to have. There must be some way in which we can have freedom and our partners can have security—or we can all have both freedom and security.
Perhaps we ought to spend more time asking for what we want rather than asking everyone else what they want. We will speed up our growth by being selfish. So imagine that the people we’re looking at can actually take care of themselves. And if we ask for what we want and trust that the other person will say yes or no powerfully, it will make things very interesting.
Life is a learned skill, but instead of teaching it, our culture force-fills developing minds with long division and capital cities—until, at the end of the mandatory period of bondage that’s hyperbolically called school, we’re sent into the world knowing little about it. And so, left on our own to figure out the most important parts of life, we make mistakes for years until, by the time we’ve learned enough from our stumbling to be effective human beings, it’s time for us to die.
One can’t force a relationship to happen. We just have to make a space in our heart for one, then let go of all expectations, agendas, and control.
Perhaps on some level, the demand for exclusive love is an immature demand, the desire of the needy child who hungered to be the sole object of its parents’ attention, affection, and care.
An Incomplete Guide To Love
For The Incomplete Person
1. No matter what the situation may be, the right course of action is always compassion and love.
2. As long as at least one partner is in the functional adult state at any given time, most—if not all—arguments can be avoided.
3. Recognize when you are backsliding into a childish or adolescent behavior. Then pinpoint what old story is being triggered and tell yourself the truth of the situation. Let go of the lie.
4. Accept what is.
5. Instead of saying “I’m never going to cheat again,” say, “Today, I’m not going to do that thing that makes me feel weak and shameful about myself again.”
6. You can’t have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. You have to be willing to commit to them as they are, with no expectations. And if they happen to choose to change at some point along the way, then that’s just a bonus.
7. Communicate and maintain healthy boundaries. This means finding the proper balance of filtering and protecting your self, thoughts, feelings, time, and behaviors without either closing off behind walls, or becoming overwhelmed or overwhelming.
8. Ask yourself throughout the day, “What do I need to do in this moment to take care of myself?” If you can be aware of what legitimate needs and wants you’re not attending to, and then take actions to meet them on your own—or ask your partner for help if you can’t—that is the road to happiness.
9. No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours. The most caring thing to do when they’re upset is simply to ask if they want you to listen, to give advice, to give them space, or to give them loving touch.
10. Love, honor, and affirm yourself. Whatever your decisions, actions, feelings, and thoughts throughout the day may be and whatever outcome they may lead to, if you are healthy, then they are ultimately healthy.
11. And, above all, always remember to breathe and be in the moment.